Honeylovale Words

Confession 2: I’d Rather Be Alone Forever Than Not Marry My Soulmate.

By Doyinsola Aluko

Creation concept. Concept image

Relationships these days scare me. There is a lot of depth that seems to be missing. If it is not about the looks or even the cash, then it is about one benefit or the other. The elements of sacrifice, devotion and genuine intentions are missing. Everyone has become more selfish. The world is now a “me, me and more me” place. Some men marry women as trophies to be kept and brought out as needed and some women marry men just to have the “Mrs.” title. Marriage has now become a race and even a certificate to be shown as proof of being a competent human being. To be honest, I sometimes I see some couples together and I shout “how!” in my head. How did they even get acquainted, talk less of moving to the dating stage? How did people around them accept to attend their wedding? How did the priest or whoever officiated the wedding even happily agree to join them together and then declare “what God has joined together let no man put asunder?” Why will anyone confidently invite God from heaven to an event even people on earth will not want to attend? Didn’t anyone notice the huge disconnect before the knot was tied? Most couples do not talk anymore. I have been hearing a lot of blame being put on social media. I am guessing we have all forgotten that social media comes with the direct messaging (DM) feature. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sliding into your husband or wife’s DM. Come on! You are actually legally allowed to. Couples can still interact via that or even commenting on each other’s posts. If we look at things more objectively, that is even an avenue to establish another form of bonding. You can create that “best friends” vibe just by doing that. I do not understand how people do not love to be in the company of the one they claim to love so deeply and need so desperately.

I am currently 23 years old. I am relatively young but still relatively closer to the age that society considers to be ideal for marriage as a woman. I am a lover. I love to cuddle and snuggle; I really do. You know that cozy winter night scene of you and your loved one all warmed up and prepped to watch a movie that you will end up sleeping or talking through? I replay that scenario all the time. Ironically enough, I am not a movie person. I barely know the name of the last movie I watched talk less of the ones I have watched in the past but somehow I fantasize about movie night with my love. It is kind of crazy. I know but it is my reality. The truth is, I have nothing against watching movies. In fact, I always enjoy it when it happens. It is just something I do not go out looking for. I have a feeling my one will love to watch movies and will basically carry me and throw me into that world. To be honest, I am already excited. I love to travel and explore the world. I am sure there is nothing like going to a place you have never been to before with someone you see and love to be with every time. I feel like it will spice things up and strength the relationship; just my sentiment.

Soulmate 2

 

When it comes to the idea of marriage, I am very two-sided. While I love the idea of being with this person that gets to be my one and only, I am also terrified of the fact that I will be stuck with this person forever. Forever is a long, long time. What if I get bored? What if he gets bored? I will never be able to escape this person. When people see me, they will automatically think of him and vice versa. Can I deal with the fact that my identity will have to be linked to this person forever? On the flip side, what if we are never able to get enough of each other? What if seeing his face in the morning makes my heart melt every single time? What if lying on his side of the bed is always a way for me to feel him close to me when he is away? What if our children love us for choosing each other? It is can go both ways or even be a combination of the two. I am too in love with the idea of love to not want to settle down one day but too scared of all the things that come with the idea of commitment to completely look forward to it.

Commitment makes me feel suffocated and restricted. I am an extremely loyal person so I am not bothered by commitment because I would potentially want to be with someone else in the future. I mean, I basically do not see men as men when I am not in a relationship talk less of when I am. Everyone becomes the same sex in my head when I am with someone so that is not the issue. The issue is that I fear being joined to someone “’forever.” There is literally no expiration date. Well, until death do us part; which is quite useless because by that time one or both of us will no longer be on earth. So, what is the point of waiting till then to “part”? Separating after years of torture and heartbreak will kill me. So, I have to be sure enough. If I am going to risk my freedom and put myself in that box, I have to be sure that it is going to be worth it (at least before we get married). I cannot fully predict what will happen after marriage but I can prepare a situation that increases the likelihood of a blissful experience. The only way I can do this is by trying my possible best to marry my soulmate.

soulmate 3

I have one life to live. I cannot live it knowing that I settled. My soulmate will know how I am feeling at every given time. This is not because we just “get each other” (might be part of it) but because he cares so much that he has learned my ways and observed my moods. We will not just get each other right off the bat. We will religiously study every single part of ourselves and become well-versed in art of “us.” It will come with time. It has to come; especially before marriage. I used to want to get married at the age of 25. Well, with the way things are going currently, it is highly unlikely but I have found peace with the fact that it might not happen then but when I am fully ready to cross paths with the one my heart sings for and brain cooperates with. My teammate. Oh, I am so sure we are going to have very deep and crazy arguments! The intensity of our fights are going to match the intensity of our feelings for one another. It is okay because we will be fine right after. There is no way my soulmate and I are not going become one again. The heat around and within us will try to threaten our bond but somehow we will still settle and find a way to come back to our state of nirvana. It is like expecting water to not become ice once it is put back in the freezer. We will find a way. Our feelings for each other will not be enough to keep us together. Feelings can be fleeting and unreliable. However, our love for each other (that emulates the love God has for us) and our crazy adventures and experiences together will keep us together. Also, the assistance of the pulling force of the universe that so desperately wants us to be together will ensure this. With my understanding of the way the universe operates, soulmates cannot stay apart for too long. If what goes up will eventually come down, then hearts that are made to love each other will eventually unite and become one. I believe sometimes earthquakes or other natural disasters occur because somebody somewhere is trying to prevent soulmates from being together. I know I am a hopeless romantic but I am also one that likes to think deeper that the surface shown to me.

I’d rather be alone than with someone I cannot share my deepest thoughts with. I’d rather be alone than be with someone I cannot converse with for more than 2 hours. I cannot be with someone whose silence does not comfort me but rather reminds me of how much I love and miss my solitude. I cannot be with someone that does not balance and counter my flaws. I cannot be with someone who does not trigger the worst parts of me to come out but yet still has the cooling effect that makes the best parts of me to come alive. I cannot be with someone that triggers mediocrity in me.

soulmate 5

My soulmate will not just get me but will learn ways to get me on a whole other level. My soulmate with have characteristics that make our love journey easier for us. My soulmate will love me like he loves himself because in me he sees another version of who he is. Therefore, my soulmate must genuinely love himself before I come along. He will be both selfless and selfish at the same time; he will derive pleasure in making me happy because that automatically means he will be happy while still trying to do good to the world around him.

I am presently working on myself. I am learning new things. I am focused on becoming the kind of woman that my soulmate will desire. I am trying to become the best version of myself. I am staying true to myself always. I am focused on never judging anyone or putting myself in a position that makes me look like I think that I am better than anyone. I strengthening my bond with God in the ways that are best known to our private and personal relationship. I am understanding and keeping what works for me and dismissing what does not. I am trying to let go of relationships that do not favor me and put my abilities to work and holding on to those that do. I am seeking for forgiveness and mercy from God and preparing myself to readily give it out whenever it is needed. Wherever my soulmate is at this given time, I am sure he is doing the same because he will be reflecting what I am doing. If you are not married yet, I’d tell you to make sure whoever you decide to spend the rest of your life with is your soulmate (aka better half). I will be waiting to meet my soulmate whether it takes 5 years or forever. Forever is a long time to be alone but an even longer and more dreadful time to be with someone you cannot truly share your happiness with.

 

 

 

Uncertainty In Life: 7 Steps To Take When What Will Be Does Not Look Like It Is Going To Be 

By Doyinsola Aluko

 

I am currently going through a phase in life where I know what I want to achieve and what I need to do to get there (thankfully) but afraid that I will not eventually get to the end of my journey successfully. I have talked to people of all ages and it seems I am not alone. It is not easy to come to terms with the fact that the ugly mess we see now will eventually become beautiful in the future. We are human beings and we rely a lot on certainty and proof. We want to be able to touch and see what we have in our minds. Words of encouragement and pep talks can only do so much. Trust me when I say I have mastered the art of speaking life and positivity into my life and actually believing my words. Prior to recent times, those words only knew how to come out but never back into this mind of mine that just loved to doubt. I am 100 percent sure the famous doubting Thomas had nothing on me. I just couldn’t believe in myself talk less of my very own words. It took a lot of voice recordings, depersonalization and even role playing to get things rolling. Imagine telling yourself “you are actually not a serious person. What makes you think you will fail if you try this? You better start before you reach 40 and start to regret things. You just like to be pampered. If you like, wait here and let life slap you with more complex situations.” Most times, I have had to push myself to believe that there was no way I could possibly be a failure even if I tried. Sadly, it doesn’t take too long for me to be hijacked again by the thought that would come next: “what if your failure doesn’t ever even get recorded and all your efforts never come up in life’s “trial” database?” This thought has kept me up for days and obviously nights. I would be lying if I said they no longer come. They still do but now I know how to subdue them and reduce the effect they have on my motivation and determination to achieve my future goals. I have observed the patterns of my unending self-doubt and have taken note of what still keeps me going. I’ll be sharing 7 techniques I’ve used to prevent myself from thinking and panicking all day and being up and wondering all night.

 

  1. Strive to Believe in Yourself
  • I can doubt for an entire nation. I find it so hard to fully believe that anything I do is worth an audience talk less of an applause. The truth is, it is easier for me to cheer someone other than myself on because I believe no matter how hard their struggle might become, they will eventually pull through. Prior to when I decided to focus on strengthening my level of self-worth, I had more positive eyes for everyone else but myself. I became a professional cheerleader for any and everyone who had something to share to the world. Don’t get me wrong. It is awesome to be a cheerleader but not at the expense of your self-value and ambitions in life. I didn’t know how to value myself and that was horrible. I believed there was nothing valuable enough in me to offer. It was more comfortable to be backstage and not have all the focus be on me. Being “safe” and free from public criticism felt like the best option. Things gradually started to change for me when I decided to properly observe situations and understand the reasoning behind why many people around me were so acrimonious, bitter and resentful. I started to notice that a lot of people were suffering from past regret and holding on to plenty “had I known” situations. They weren’t bold enough to go for what they wanted and hence lost productive years they did nothing tangible with. I love to put myself in people’s situations a lot; especially when they are going through pain and this was one period in my life I wasn’t so fond of doing it. The pain was unbearable because no matter the solution I came up with in my head, there was nothing that could be done. The time had already been lost and even if we were going to make do with the current time we have, the sorrow that exists now has lasted way too long to permanently erase and create space for a new project. Even though I sympathized with these individuals, I didn’t want to be like them. I didn’t want to be miserable and lose the happy child spirit that existed within me. That was when I promised myself from that time till date to keep pushing no matter what because regret is a very painful and destructive emotion to carry for the rest of one’s life.
  • Your ideas might seem ludicrous but if they didn’t they wouldn’t be innovative and unheard of; components that are necessary for greatness. You need to first come across as insane to eventually be seen and acknowledged in the world. Ideas that lack of originality might make it for a for a season but they will eventually lose their relevance. Nobody ever said mixing craziness with a great plan was impossible. Maybe hard or rare but never impossible. Challenge yourself to admire the gift that you are. You have so much to offer this world and that is why you are placed on earth right now. You were not created just to occupy space but to add value to the location that you exist in. Everything about you makes sense so it is only fair to your creator to use this fact to expand the “sense.” Fight for what you believe in. Have a say. Solidify your identity so you have someone great to believe in. Understand that no one will ever believe in you at the capacity that they should until you step up to the role. Strive to be yourself as much as you can because authenticity is something that brings about integrity and integrity makes it easier for everyone around to see you as the star that you were born to be. Don’t be afraid to show yourself a lot of love. Give your dreams a chance to touch the sky. Remember you are worthy and nothing anyone else can say or do can change that fact. Also remember that there is just one you in this world; use that to your advantage.
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Confession 1 : Once Upon a Time, I BLANKED Someone

By Doyinsola Aluko

 

I blank

 

 

A Facebook Message to someone I once blanked

About 6 years ago, I sent this message to someone I used to talk to on Facebook.  This was supposed to be a message with no more than 5 to 10 lines. It ended up turning into an essay (as usual). I have not blanked anyone else ever since then. Another confession: I typed all this on my phone at about 2am in the morning that day so I barely got a chance to thoroughly read through it. All I wanted to do was just get my point across.

 

Below is the “essay” I wrote to the one I blanked:

 

Reality just hit me today; like 3 hours ago. I’ve been living life thinking it’s all sweet and great. Now I know sad things really happen. Well, last year did the same to me too. Took a while to get over it. I had lost my naive outlook of the world. I used to think all the bad things we hear on t.v. were just mere exaggerations of crazy realities. It made me hide from the world in order to avoid fake smiles and shows of happiness. One thing I couldn’t be was fake. Somehow God sent me this friend I could chat with for hours about things I didn’t even know I knew. Honestly, it took me a while to actually believe it was really happening. I hardly ever used to come online. Maybe twice a month. My sister was the champion of anything online related! This might be funny but she was the reason I joined Facebook. I was too into reading novels and about places I found interesting and writing stuff about life in a book I hoped to one day show my kids. I occasionally wrote poems about things that happened in school or just anything random. One time I actually read a whole novel in a day then told my dad to kindly buy me a new one. He was surprisingly glad and bought me a book titled “Daddy” by author Danielle Steel. If only he knew the book had some erotic scenes; sad (I say this with sarcasm). I used to read 24/7 . Sometimes I’d tell my mum to wake me up at midnight so I could study for no reason. It got so bad my parents started begging me to go out more; I know, I was in my own little world. My world quickly out-smarted me and changed into something I was unsure of but I knew trying couldn’t hurt. My reality was suddenly a dream. God knew I was low because I called on him every night. I’m sure he got feed up and sent me this person I had no knowledge of. This person was my only source of joy at the time; very interesting person to say the least. Someone that made me think hard; that never happened to me before. I used to be able to figure out anything! I had finally found a substitute for my sadness; a pleasant communicator that could capture my attention. I was slowly being shown a different world. I was gently entering chapter 6 of one of the books I had read but this time even better; a reality-based version. Still unsure of what to do, I went with the flow but made sure I didn’t get lost in it. Finally, I just gave up being so up-tight and let things go on like they always will. Guess what I realized? God sent me a friend when I was in need of one; he sent me you. So right now as I type this and as you hopefully read this too, know that I appreciate your presence in my life as someone I can tell everything. You know more about me than anybody else. You challenge me; something that most guys can’t do. You excite me, every second of the day (ok that’s freaky, make it every minute but second just goes better haha. I don’t even know). You make me think of the future; something I really never used to do and sadly dreaded. You make me feel things only heaven knows especially because I find your level of intelligence sexy. You make me see things I never used to notice let alone believe in. You don’t complete me. You find and better my already completed but lost self. You make me think a year is a month. Truth is, when I say I’m confused I am really not. I just love the way you explain. Sorry for this insanely long message. I just wanted you to see how crazy I really am. Ok I’m joking. I just wanted you to know this now so I don’t regret the fact that I didn’t ever tell you later. I hate regretting things. It’s one of the few things that kill me.

P.s. I like everyone I know so you’re definitely way higher than this. I love everyone one I care about so you’re higher than this too. I blank you. Don’t worry. One day we’ll find a word to fill in the blank.

7 Types of Advice : Things You Wish You Knew Before You Listened

By Doyinsola Aluko

 

With the way life is set up, it is almost impossible to believe you do not need the input of others. Of course, you do not have to take anyone’s words as law but it is wise to at least hear the words of someone other than yourself. Have you ever been in a situation where you were in a state of confusion and someone just mentioned something totally unrelated and everything just clicked? Well, that is what listening can do sometimes. Sometimes, the reverse can be the case. You can hear someone else’s take on your situation and become more confused than you were before their advice left their mouth. Therefore, it is important to be able to identify the kind of advice you are getting before you take it in and know how to work with it. Below are the 7 types of advice I have observed and taken note of.

 

Ears 4

1. Advice Based on Idleness – I Was Not Asked But I Will Still Speak

This kind of advice poses the least amount of threat to you. You did not go out looking for it but somehow it found a way to magically appear to your physical space. You are in total control here. The only time this will change is if you give it full audience and actually take it seriously. Then, it will perforate your physical space and make its way to your mental space.

 

Pros and Cons with a little advice:

Quite frankly, it is hard to find pros to this kind of advice because it tends to be somewhat bothersome due to its unsolicited nature. However, with every good thing there is a bad thing and vice versa so there has to be an advantage here. The one good quality advice based on idleness has is its ability to bring your awareness to things you would ordinarily not think of or usually ignore. This random input might be the hint you have been looking for to answer that really hard question you have been trying to solve for days, if not years. A slight push in the right direction. With this kind of advice you just never know.

On the other hand, this kind of advice can trigger negative thoughts in your head. It can bring back memories that need to be forgotten. It can make you start questioning a lot of things in your life that really do not need over-analyzing. It can empower insecurities and invigorate self-doubt.

Be sure to always be mindful of who you are around and how long you spend in certain places. Even a random stranger can make you feel less than you know you are. Random remarks on social media prove this every day. Give yourself a chance to live free of pain. Give your heart and mind a chance to feel and think positively. You have one life to live. Do not spend it on thinking negatively, especially because of someone else’s idleness.

 

Jealousy

2. Advice Based on Jealousy- What Does the Green-eyed Monster Have to Say?

This kind of advice is the most toxic and is well-disguised like advice based on a hidden agenda. It is usually directed at you as an arrow that is designed to make you question yourself without fully knowing why. With this kind of advice, you hear a lot of back-handed compliments and most times the person’s nose mimics the look a person has when they smell something bad. There is a bit of a judgmental undertone. Sometimes even condescending. You will notice that when a person’s advice is based on jealousy, their voice either becomes deeper or tone changes to quite an exaggerated and a sarcastic one. With the extremely advanced players of this game, you may not notice any physiological change. What you might notice, however, is an apparent sudden loss of interest on the topic right after the advice has been served. The person is quite touchy about the same subject they felt the need to call you aside to talk to you about. Quite odd isn’t it? Well, blame the green-eyed monster?

Here is a more vivid example. Imagine you wake up one morning and decide to color your hair blue. You then go ahead to approach your friend about this new decision. Unknowingly to you, your friend has been wanting to do the same thing but has not gotten around to doing it yet. Your friend is competitive, even with the tiniest of things. So, the goal on your friend’s part is to find a way to delay you from being the first person to get blue hair. Jealousy then pushes your friend to either badmouth people who use unconventional colors to color their hair or decides to give you that very judgmental look or tone of voice to make you reconsider your well-thought out plan.

 

 

Pros and Cons with a little advice:

This kind of advice coming frequently from the same person can be an indicator that you are doing and/or enjoying something that is desired by the person. It can be a sign that you are going something right somewhere. I mean who wants to internally overheat and rot for something that is not viewed as desirable? Point is, if it is not good (at least to them), they would not have to formulate an advice to mess with your head. While jealousy is viewed as commonplace because of how frequent it comes to the surface, it is an emotion that can make people do and undo things. It is a very deadly emotion and high doses of it can be quite destructive to both the prey and predator. It consumes negatively and seeks only to destroy. If you identify this kind of advice and notice it being given to you by the same person constantly, I would recommend you reduce contact. This is not only for yourself but for the person in question too. You are killing them gradually and they can only pour out what is produced when the jealousy is about to overflow. Be wise about your associations because there is a slight possibility that someone’s mission is to derail you from the path that is going to lead you to success. Be alert; your future depends on it.

 

 

HA 13. Advice Based on a Hidden Agenda (Personal Interest) – Hmmm… What Can I Get Out of This?

Unlike advice based on jealousy, this one does not always have a destructive end goal. Advice based on a hidden agenda requires a well-thought out plan. It is never random. It is not reliant on emotions and not always triggered by feelings. It is kind of like a business transaction. You have a problem you need advice on and your future actions can lead to something that will benefit the advisor. They usually would have thought things through even before you decide to come with your request for an advice. They have finally found a way to get what they have been wanting for a while. With this kind of advice, there is a 50/50 chance that the outcome will be horrible or really amazing. It just depends solely on what the hidden agenda is. You will notice the person giving the advice almost completing your sentences for you (disclaimer: it is possible for someone to complete your sentences without having this goal in mind. It is also a sign of a good listener so do not read too much meaning to this part of the identification process). What should make you wary is when the person completing your sentences is also adding information that has absolutely nothing to do with what you planned to say or is contorting all your words and making you think about a completely new idea. Remember, their mission is to present the hidden agenda in a way that is not too obvious but still clear enough to make you think it was your original plan. It is not called a hidden agenda for nothing.

 

 

Pros and Cons with a little advice:

With this kind of advice, you are guaranteed a cheerleader; just like the person with advice based on desired rebellion. However, unlike the person with advice based on desired rebellion, you are more likely to have this person even actively partake in the activities that will lead to the success of the hidden agenda with you. In this case, you are rarely ever going to be alone. I mean, how can they let you think for yourself for an extended period when they know that once they leave you for too long you are going to start coming back to your senses. Label that impossible. They will hang around like you guys are thicker than thieves. They will even create the illusion that there is a closeness that does not really exist. A plus here is that at least you will get a temporary buddy, especially if you do not really have that many friends. They are ready to do anything it takes to get what they want out of this.

The problem surfaces when the hidden agenda is accomplished and there is nothing else to conquer. There is a certain element of emptiness that follows. The end of this kind of advice is highly likely to break you because you will eventually realize that every single interaction you had with this person was calculated. You were living a lie or on a funnier note, you were living a mathematically equation. Nothing was really real. You were living in an illusion; a fantasy world.

The best thing to do is to pick up on this kind of advice and decide whether it is going to lead you to a path that is beneficial to you or not. If you feel you will gain from it, it is possible for you to follow through while remembering to not get emotionally attached in any way. Like I said earlier, it is a business transaction and in business there is no room for emotional ventures. All these being said, I would strongly recommend staying away from such advice because following through with it while you know what it really is can eventually change you as a person and make you become like the person giving the advice based on a hidden agenda. Life is too short to be that calculative. It is more enjoyable to create relationships based on truth and sincerity. Games will always come to an end. Do not end up being played by the same game you are trying to win; it is not worth it. Life favors pureness of heart in the long run so I would say run if you still can.

 

Solidarity

4. Advice Based on Solidarity- United We Stand, Divided We Fall

This kind of advice can be spotted easily but it requires extreme attentiveness. Have you noticed this person is always in support of everything you do, whether good or bad? Have you noticed that they always want to please you? Have noticed that you have never been contended by this person on your stance on a lot of life issues? Does this person give you advice that they normally would not give anyone else but it is “you” and all the rules automatically change? You might be dealing with a case of advice based on solidarity. Just like with advice based on a hidden agenda, this person is going to be there throughout the whole process. The main difference here is that the person’s active presence in your life does not end after the process. Everything is real. The emotional bonds and connections are real. The goal is for you to always be happy. With this kind of advisor, you have got a real ride or die kind of situation going on.

 

 

Pros and Cons with a little advice:

We all want to be part of something; feel like we have a team. It is the best feeling in the world to know that someone will always have your back and in this case your brain as well. They never want you to feel bad for your actions. They just want to be on your team. We all need this because life is never just black and white. There are other colors that are inevitably going to show up so it is a nice feeling to know that someone is going to be willing to see them with you.

The problem now arises when you might be going off the handle and this person is cheering you on unconditionally. This is a case where I would highly recommend you having other sounding boards. Thing is, this kind of advice is not always going to lead you astray. Sometimes it is going to lead you to greater things as it is not always wrong. However, the problem is how can you know when you are wrong. They might tell you but sometimes not in the way you need to hear it. I am not saying you need someone that is going to condemn you and make you feel worthless. I am just saying that sometimes you need someone like the person who gives advice based on neutrality; someone who can take a more objective look at things.

 

 

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5. Advice Based on Neutrality- Justice Must Prevail

This kind of advice usually brings forth good results in the long run. It usually comes from someone who truly wants you to be happy without forgetting that they have to be fair to all parties involved. You get this a lot from people who are big on doing the right thing no matter what the circumstances might be. Explanations of why you did what you did often times means nothing to them. All they want is justice and their advice is usually filled with how justice most be gotten. They usually have no stakes in the issue you are presenting so it is quite easy for them to separate all distracting factors. This kind of advice comes from someone who is not looking to please you but rather gain full perspective on how everything can be settled. Having experience is not a factor here because every case is a new and fresh one to this person giving the advice.

 

 

Pros and Cons with a little advice:

The main benefit of getting advice based on neutrality is that you are quite certain that this advice will have no evil or misleading undertones; you are sure of the high level of objectivity. Malicious intent is far from you in this case. You can be sure that you are being judged fairly and properly and given insight that is free from any contamination.

Too much of anything is bad. Sometimes you need advice that will push you to do things that might not be ideal and pleasing to all but is necessary for your happiness. Like I always say: life is too short to just come and die. You do not need to physically die to die. If you choose to not live your life freely then you are not really living and if you are not really living, you might as well be dead. Sometimes taking that bold and unconventional step is what you need to do. People might look at you in a bad way for a while but deep down they will admire you for doing something they know they will never have the guts to do. Live your life but be kind to others.

 

 

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6. Advice Based on Desired Rebellion- If I Were You I would But I Am Not You So I Will Not

This kind of advice is sometimes hard to identify. The best way to spot it is to take the advice and put it side-by-side with your view of the advisor’s life. What does their life show you? Are they going to that party they so desperately want you to go to? Are they living a very peaceful life but encouraging you to cause war in yours? Are they pushing you to cross limits they ordinarily would never want to cross? If the answer is yes to all these questions, then you are dealing with a person who is giving you a desired rebellion kind of advice. It is not that they do not want to do all these things. The thing is that they have seen you as someone who is bold or stupid enough to live out their fantasies. You are sort of their lab rat. They want to live life vicariously through you. They want to have their cake and eat it too. They want the thrill that comes with what you will later experience but do not want to deal with any of the consequences that will follow.

 

 

Pros and Cons with a little advice:

To be an ardent follower of this kind of advice, it takes a lot of blind trust that might be translated to someone watching from the outside as “guts.” Here you get not only a cheerleader that will supply you with constant motivation but also someone who will continually provide you with new stunts to try out. New and fun adventures await you here.

There’s a high possibility of being left hanging. You are very likely to hear things like “I only suggested it”, “I did not say you should actually do that”, “I cannot believe you really take all I say seriously” and many more similar phrases of vindication and lack of accountability. There is no liability here.

If you enjoy being put in an ever-running experiment, you are free to keep being a daredevil in this person’s movie. You will learn a lot. As a matter of fact, you might even become famous for being so dauntless. If you are not pleased, however, I would advise you to start being mindful of what you take from this person. Yes, you need experience but not the kind that literally has nothing to do with your journey in life. Be careful. Be wise. Your life is important to me.

 

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7. Advice Based on Past Experience – Back Then I Was…

Usually people who give this kind of advice mean well. They wouldhate for someone else to go through the same thing they might still be regretting after so many years. Therefore, it is always good to at least hear them out and pick one or two things from their book of knowledge. Most times, it will not hurt. Sometimes, it might be at the detriment of your growth as a person. It all just depends on how much you take in and how you process what is taken in.

 

 

Pros and Cons with a little advice:

With this kind of advice, you have a formula to use. You have a road map that is well-tailored to this person’s past experiences. You have an idea of what that road you are trying to pass through might look like. You can always return to this person to get more advice. You can always come back with the “this did not work, what should I do next?” report. I am not say that people who give this kind of advice will be ever-willing to take accountability for any errors that occur when you yield to their advice, but the possibility is always higher than the person who gives you advice based on their desired rebellion.

However, you are not certain that where you are headed is exactly where they ended up. What if that bushy area with snakes and scorpions is not as bushy as it was when this person last saw it? What if the person forgot to wear more protective shoes before going on their journey, put on slippers and got terribly messed up by the mud they stepped in but you know better?  The main problem with taking advice from a person with experience in a certain area of life is that you are very likely to follow exactly what they tell you and classify it as a guide to follow word-for-word. This is how subconscious fears are formed. Boundaries that you would normally not think of creating will be created. Visions that your brain would have never thought of forming will begin to form randomly.

Think out of the box sometimes. You are not this person. Remember that. They might be frightened by the sound of thunder and you might not be. So, looking for ear plugs whenever you know it is about to rain will not help you. Find what works for you. Test theories out yourself. Make mistakes. Allow yourself to go through some things so you will know how to better improve your approach to handling life situations. It is said that it is smarter to learn from someone else’s mistakes. While there is a lot of truth to that, I do believe it is fairer to your journey in life to get firsthand experience; especially in things you plan to fully invest in. Territories that are notoriously known to carry a lot of uncertainty like the matters of the heart and unexplored business ventures should be handled with care and analyzed with patience and discernment.

Notice when the advice begins to get too personal. Notice when there is more anger than there is pain in their stories. Guard your ears and your mind with your life. Try to stay around as much positivity as you can possibly be around. Fall down, pick yourself up and before you walk away make sure you gather all the lessons you need for your next attempt on that life exam you need to pass. Life is beautiful. Experience it.

 

 

What Inspires You?

By Doyinsola Aluko

 

Today I was asked the question “what inspires you?” in a course I am currently taking this summer. At first I thought of the answer “life itself” then I realized how cliché that sounded. For some reason, this question that would have been easy for me to answer on a normal day became so complex. Honestly, I believe it is because recently I have been questioning a lot in my life. I have been questioning even the littlest of things. The other day I was not sure if I should visit a friend, stay back home or just go get frozen yogurt and chill a bit outside. I love going out a lot even if it is to check how the weather is for 5 minutes, so I often just make spontaneous moves. It took me almost 2 and a half hours to make up my mind on what exactly would be best for the situation. Mind you, within this period of uncertainty I had already driven half way to my friend’s place then to Yogurt Mountain then back to my house and you can only imagine where else I went on this journey. It honestly was not that deep but I found a way to make it deeper than the Mariana Trench. This is so nerve-wracking because the whole cycle of indecisiveness has been one I struggled so hard to break a few years ago and all of a sudden it has started to show its face again.

After a short but intense pep talk I gave myself on how this question was not that complex and how I was just over-thinking things, I proceeded to open a new word document and begun to type.

This is what I said:

I am inspired by many things in life as I believe it is important to be observant and capable of using life situations to your advantage. One thing I am inspired by that stands out to me is a challenge. A challenge forces us to think out of the box. When we are faced with it, we do things that are quite foreign to us and this leads to self-improvement. It leads to new adventures and new ideas. It leads to the transformation and redefinition of things once thought to be of no use to us. Another thing that inspires me is a positive relationship; not only between human beings but also with abstract things. For instance, a positive relationship between several musical notes leads to the construction of music. The same goes for the positive relationship between hydrogen and oxygen atoms that creates the molecule, water. Positive relationships bring out the best in you and give you the chance to put both teamwork, trust and harmony to work.

Challenges such as losing my grandmother, thinking I was never going to get into college and being in very uncomfortable relationships with people have all inspired me to want to get the best out of life and make a difference in the lives of everyone I meet. Keeping positive relationships with people has been hard for me. I have had to either be extremely submissive or extremely domineering. Finding a middle ground has been quite difficult but in the few positive relationships I have maintained, I have been extremely motivated and inspired beyond what I thought possible.

Right now I am trying to find ways to deal with challenges while building positive relationships concurrently. Working with NGOs to combat several maternal and child health issues combines these two together nicely. I also ultimately want to become a relationship therapist. This is a career path that a challenge in a class led me to. My positive relationship with a psychology professor whose class I was having problems with, lead me to this path I never thought of before the challenge came.

 

I will talk more about challenges and positive relationships here in the future.

 

 

 

Does He/She?

By Doyinsola Aluko

 

If it is not obvious then there is a high possibility that you are not that important to them. Actions speak louder than words but the absence of concrete and true words is evidence that true feelings might not exist.
Words give feelings a platform to be expressed. Actions give words a second chance to completely translate feelings.
If it is truly felt, then it will be genuinely said. If it genuinely said, then it will be evidently shown. This is the way people of integrity and with good intentions deal with you.
Don’t let feelings rob you of good judgement. God is always sending you signs because he is always watching your back.

A Mother’s Love

By Doyinsola Aluko

 

It is said that one of the most amazing feelings in life is gotten through knowing that the person you have a special place in your heart for, also has a very cozy spot for you in theirs. The feeling that certainty gives is blissful. This is why the love between a mother and child is so special. No matter how much her child wrongs her, she’ll never want anything bad to happen to her little one and no matter how much she scolds her child, her child will never be able to let that erase the memories of the warmth and protection she has offered through selfless acts of love shown in the past. She will always have a lovely nest in her child’s heart and so will her child have one created in her heart. No matter how many children she has , she will always have a nest for each of them because to her, her heart was made to cater to their individual “love’s”.
Only God could think of a way to create a bond as powerful as this ❤️