By Doyinsola Aluko
Relationships these days scare me. There is a lot of depth that seems to be missing. If it is not about the looks or even the cash, then it is about one benefit or the other. The elements of sacrifice, devotion and genuine intentions are missing. Everyone has become more selfish. The world is now a “me, me and more me” place. Some men marry women as trophies to be kept and brought out as needed and some women marry men just to have the “Mrs.” title. Marriage has now become a race and even a certificate to be shown as proof of being a competent human being. To be honest, I sometimes I see some couples together and I shout “how!” in my head. How did they even get acquainted, talk less of moving to the dating stage? How did people around them accept to attend their wedding? How did the priest or whoever officiated the wedding even happily agree to join them together and then declare “what God has joined together let no man put asunder?” Why will anyone confidently invite God from heaven to an event even people on earth will not want to attend? Didn’t anyone notice the huge disconnect before the knot was tied? Most couples do not talk anymore. I have been hearing a lot of blame being put on social media. I am guessing we have all forgotten that social media comes with the direct messaging (DM) feature. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sliding into your husband or wife’s DM. Come on! You are actually legally allowed to. Couples can still interact via that or even commenting on each other’s posts. If we look at things more objectively, that is even an avenue to establish another form of bonding. You can create that “best friends” vibe just by doing that. I do not understand how people do not love to be in the company of the one they claim to love so deeply and need so desperately.
I am currently 23 years old. I am relatively young but still relatively closer to the age that society considers to be ideal for marriage as a woman. I am a lover. I love to cuddle and snuggle; I really do. You know that cozy winter night scene of you and your loved one all warmed up and prepped to watch a movie that you will end up sleeping or talking through? I replay that scenario all the time. Ironically enough, I am not a movie person. I barely know the name of the last movie I watched talk less of the ones I have watched in the past but somehow I fantasize about movie night with my love. It is kind of crazy. I know but it is my reality. The truth is, I have nothing against watching movies. In fact, I always enjoy it when it happens. It is just something I do not go out looking for. I have a feeling my one will love to watch movies and will basically carry me and throw me into that world. To be honest, I am already excited. I love to travel and explore the world. I am sure there is nothing like going to a place you have never been to before with someone you see and love to be with every time. I feel like it will spice things up and strength the relationship; just my sentiment.
When it comes to the idea of marriage, I am very two-sided. While I love the idea of being with this person that gets to be my one and only, I am also terrified of the fact that I will be stuck with this person forever. Forever is a long, long time. What if I get bored? What if he gets bored? I will never be able to escape this person. When people see me, they will automatically think of him and vice versa. Can I deal with the fact that my identity will have to be linked to this person forever? On the flip side, what if we are never able to get enough of each other? What if seeing his face in the morning makes my heart melt every single time? What if lying on his side of the bed is always a way for me to feel him close to me when he is away? What if our children love us for choosing each other? It is can go both ways or even be a combination of the two. I am too in love with the idea of love to not want to settle down one day but too scared of all the things that come with the idea of commitment to completely look forward to it.
Commitment makes me feel suffocated and restricted. I am an extremely loyal person so I am not bothered by commitment because I would potentially want to be with someone else in the future. I mean, I basically do not see men as men when I am not in a relationship talk less of when I am. Everyone becomes the same sex in my head when I am with someone so that is not the issue. The issue is that I fear being joined to someone “’forever.” There is literally no expiration date. Well, until death do us part; which is quite useless because by that time one or both of us will no longer be on earth. So, what is the point of waiting till then to “part”? Separating after years of torture and heartbreak will kill me. So, I have to be sure enough. If I am going to risk my freedom and put myself in that box, I have to be sure that it is going to be worth it (at least before we get married). I cannot fully predict what will happen after marriage but I can prepare a situation that increases the likelihood of a blissful experience. The only way I can do this is by trying my possible best to marry my soulmate.
I have one life to live. I cannot live it knowing that I settled. My soulmate will know how I am feeling at every given time. This is not because we just “get each other” (might be part of it) but because he cares so much that he has learned my ways and observed my moods. We will not just get each other right off the bat. We will religiously study every single part of ourselves and become well-versed in art of “us.” It will come with time. It has to come; especially before marriage. I used to want to get married at the age of 25. Well, with the way things are going currently, it is highly unlikely but I have found peace with the fact that it might not happen then but when I am fully ready to cross paths with the one my heart sings for and brain cooperates with. My teammate. Oh, I am so sure we are going to have very deep and crazy arguments! The intensity of our fights are going to match the intensity of our feelings for one another. It is okay because we will be fine right after. There is no way my soulmate and I are not going become one again. The heat around and within us will try to threaten our bond but somehow we will still settle and find a way to come back to our state of nirvana. It is like expecting water to not become ice once it is put back in the freezer. We will find a way. Our feelings for each other will not be enough to keep us together. Feelings can be fleeting and unreliable. However, our love for each other (that emulates the love God has for us) and our crazy adventures and experiences together will keep us together. Also, the assistance of the pulling force of the universe that so desperately wants us to be together will ensure this. With my understanding of the way the universe operates, soulmates cannot stay apart for too long. If what goes up will eventually come down, then hearts that are made to love each other will eventually unite and become one. I believe sometimes earthquakes or other natural disasters occur because somebody somewhere is trying to prevent soulmates from being together. I know I am a hopeless romantic but I am also one that likes to think deeper that the surface shown to me.
I’d rather be alone than with someone I cannot share my deepest thoughts with. I’d rather be alone than be with someone I cannot converse with for more than 2 hours. I cannot be with someone whose silence does not comfort me but rather reminds me of how much I love and miss my solitude. I cannot be with someone that does not balance and counter my flaws. I cannot be with someone who does not trigger the worst parts of me to come out but yet still has the cooling effect that makes the best parts of me to come alive. I cannot be with someone that triggers mediocrity in me.
My soulmate will not just get me but will learn ways to get me on a whole other level. My soulmate with have characteristics that make our love journey easier for us. My soulmate will love me like he loves himself because in me he sees another version of who he is. Therefore, my soulmate must genuinely love himself before I come along. He will be both selfless and selfish at the same time; he will derive pleasure in making me happy because that automatically means he will be happy while still trying to do good to the world around him.
I am presently working on myself. I am learning new things. I am focused on becoming the kind of woman that my soulmate will desire. I am trying to become the best version of myself. I am staying true to myself always. I am focused on never judging anyone or putting myself in a position that makes me look like I think that I am better than anyone. I strengthening my bond with God in the ways that are best known to our private and personal relationship. I am understanding and keeping what works for me and dismissing what does not. I am trying to let go of relationships that do not favor me and put my abilities to work and holding on to those that do. I am seeking for forgiveness and mercy from God and preparing myself to readily give it out whenever it is needed. Wherever my soulmate is at this given time, I am sure he is doing the same because he will be reflecting what I am doing. If you are not married yet, I’d tell you to make sure whoever you decide to spend the rest of your life with is your soulmate (aka better half). I will be waiting to meet my soulmate whether it takes 5 years or forever. Forever is a long time to be alone but an even longer and more dreadful time to be with someone you cannot truly share your happiness with.