The Turn Around: “It’s Not Them, It’s It” … I Decided to Find/Attack the Root of the Feelings and Not the Person or Situation (Tip 2)

By Doyinsola Aluko


Part I

After embracing the fact that I was human, I felt relieved. Finally, I was no longer a slave to the guilt of my own incapability to be the perfect person. What more was there for me to worry about? What more was there for me to unnecessarily be angry, upset or disappointed at? I had accepted where I was at in life. All I had to do next was stay still andĀ patient while the metamorphosis stage did its thing right? Even though I had become aware of my current plight, I was still feeling uneasy with myself. I still had relationships at stack here. I had put people in all manner of categories in my life prior to this self-awareness campaign. I had burned bridges, created walls , demolished memories and reconstructed roads to prevent me from mentally revisiting previous episodes. After all these things , I still felt empty , betrayed, emotionally naked and scarred. These efforts weren’t completely helping me move past the stagnancy of my mental process once I recalled any of the incidences that stabbed my heart. This small but might organ of mine was still bleeding helplessly. It didn’t deserve this. I tried everything I could possibly do to stop the unending disposal of useful blood from my heart. I tried masking the pain with fake smiles. I even went as far as physically moving away from people so I could buy enough time to fix my injured heart. I tried everything. I really did.

Part II
One day, while I was out getting some stuff from Walmart, I saw a couple arguing. I stylishly walked closer to hear the full details of this battle. I didn’t want to seem like an “amebo” (a jobless eavesdropper) so I pretended to be reading what was written at the back of the cereal box (Special K , to be exact; I love the chocolatey delight one!) I quickly picked up to help my case. The more I kept pretending to be interested in what I was reading, the more intense their argument got. On a normal day, serious arguments freak me out but I had been in my room all day studying and listening to music so this was extremely entertaining to me. From what I could hear, there was really nothing to fight about. The guy felt like the lady had no time for him and so did she but they weren’t willing to agree that they were both being selfish with their time. They kept making excuses and then they started throwing low blows. I have to admit, I was trying really hard not to laugh out loud; they were being extremely petty at this point. Before I knew it, the guy started laughing too because the lady mentioned how he snored like “a donkey with no chill whatsoever”. I don’t even think I know what that sounds like but I know we all started laughing together immediately she dropped that line (I still kept my laughter to myself, of course). After displaying their teeth and producing sounds from laughter, they came to an agreement that they would both not go out with their individual friends that night and spend quality time together. As then kissed, held hands and lovingly walked away, it hit me.This is what happens in many relationships; be it romantic or platonic. It also hit me that I needed to get a life.

Part III

We empower problems by writing them on the faces of those involved in them and this in itself is the main reason for the feeling of resentment we have towards people even after it’s been resolved. In life, you need to confront the problem and not attack, pounce on or even demoralize the person on the other side of it. Are you the one letting people treat you like you’re worth nothing? Are you the one managing a half baked relationship when you can get a fully blessed relationship based on God’s love, understanding , faithfulness and trust? Are you expecting way more than you are giving? Are you complaining way more than you’re appreciating? Are you always the victim? All these things cause you to pile up so much emotional waste that turn into emotional complexities and bombs later. You start reacting to people who mean no harm based on what you internalized from dirty dealings made in the past. You add more fire to the already hidden burning desire to retaliate for all the other times you couldn’t. You turn sweet conversations into sour ones because the last time things were going well, your life was about to change forever. Addressing the main reason for your anger, misunderstanding and disappointment does not only maintain, salvage and rebuild relationships, it also helps you grow in ways that exceed your own imagination.




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